To help you to train yourself away from the usual conversational tracks, we’ve created a list of do’s and don’ts.

But, we’d like to add one upfront: DON’T be too hard on yourself. You are a human and not a robot. People expect a certain level of ‘normal’ conversation, so use these as a guide to help you to develop a coaching style, not a script to follow.

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The DOS

DO listen

Develop THE BEST listening skills [link to blog] - both verbal and non-verbal. Real listening requires practice, the ability to stay in the moment and the skill to show you understand without immediately sharing your thoughts out loud. Read more about listening here.

‍DO assume they have the answer

The practice of coaching is built on the assumption that people have the answers to their own questions and the solutions to their own problems. There may be times when coaching is not appropriate [read more here] but this will be a rare occurrence in your Voco relationships. 

If you truly believe that your Voco partner can find their way to the answers, the rest is easy. Once you believe this whole-heartedly (and this really does take some brain retraining) coaching becomes second nature.

‍DO ask open ended questions

How good are you at asking open ended questions? We bet you aren’t as good as you think (and that isn’t a criticism, neither are we). The truth is that asking open ended questions doesn’t always come naturally and takes quite a bit of practice. 

Generally speaking an open ended question begins with one of these 5 words: who, what, why, when, where and how. If you find yourself asking closed questions (those that require only a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer), don’t be afraid to reframe them in the moment. It’s better to adjust your questioning than risk closing down the conversation too early. [read more here]

DO play back what you hear

Summarising what your Voco partner has said helps both your understanding and their own self-awareness. It helps you to show you are listening and it allows you to check your understanding and shows your curiosity to find out more. [read more here]

‍DO challenge assumptions

Try to ask questions that help your Voco partner challenge their assumptions. Questions like, “what makes you think that?” or, “how else could you frame that problem?” This technique works especially well when someone is overly self critical or is making assumptions about a situation or particular course of action. You can help them get ‘unstuck’ by asking questions they may not have thought to ask themselves.

‍DO let people make their own decisions

You might not agree with the course of action your Voco partner chooses to take. This doesn’t matter! It’s their choice but, if you really want to encourage them to think through their actions you can ask them questions like, “what outcome will this give you?” or, “how do you think this will help you achieve what you want?”. Is it a bit ‘leady’? Possibly but if you are asking these questions at the end of a coaching process, you’re on safer territory. Safer still, ask to offer your own opinion and tell them why you have it [link to process].

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The DON'TS

DON’T be so ‘judgy’

Easier said than done. You can’t switch your brain off or stop yourself from having an opinion BUT (and it’s a big one) try not to let your judgements affect how you engage in the conversation. Instead of offering an opinion based on your judgements, use curiosity instead, “that’s an interesting idea, tell me more about it” or, “describe the situation to me in a bit more detail”. As a general rule, whenever you feel compelled to offer an opinion, ask an open ended question instead - at least at the beginning of the conversation where 

DON’T try to find solutions

We know you want to, it might even be helpful, but try to stay in the moment and suspend the desire to fix their problem. What’s obvious to you might not be to your Voco partner or the situation they find themself in. 

If you have a solution, try to put it to the back of your mind so that you aren’t distracted by it. You will have an opportunity to share your opinion but you need to wait until they have explored their own options first (see the suggested structure - link). You’ll see everything through the lens of that solution unless you actively try to forget it for the time being and this will affect your ability to listen and truly understand your partner’s perspective.

‍DON’T ask leading questions

When you think something is obvious, it can be tempting to ask leading questions to draw your Voco partner to the solution you have identified. Don’t do it! A leading question is always obvious and it closes down the conversation quickly. Instead, summarise what you have heard and ask them what they think is most important or useful. 

‍DON’T make it about you

In normal conversations we share our own experiences with the intention of making the other person feel comfortable and supported. In a coaching conversation, doing this will shift the focus prematurely away from your Voco partner. You may be peers but you are not the same person and you don’t have exactly the same job. Giving them space to explore their own unique experience will make them feel even more comfortable, we promise. 

‍DON’T take responsibility

As coaching guru, Nancy Klein said in her book, Time to Think, ‘you matter because you don’t matter at all.’ Your job here is to listen, ask questions to help your Voco partner gain self-knowledge and perspective. You don’t have to fix anything, you don’t have to be responsible for what they talk about, you don’t have to worry about the outcome. The only thing you are responsible for is asking questions and making observations that help the person reach some kind of resolution themselves. And breathe.

‍DON’T be scared of silence

When you ask a great question, don’t expect an immediate answer. The best questions require thought and a bit of mental processing. This is rarely achievable while talking (even for the most extraverted of extraverts). So, when you ask a question and you’re met with silence, sit with it. Yes it’s uncomfortable; yes, you feel like you should say something but you shouldn’t (unless they ask you to clarify your question, of course). 

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NEXT >> How to start coaching yourself

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